What the crap do I do with this wall?!

There are certain things in life you just have to be “ok” with. Car payment, your co workers need for attention, the cats and their incessant meowing before dinner…but one thing you should never be “ok” with is an empty wall.

It is a blank canvas. Use it. It wants to be loved. It wants to be “nailed”. It wants to be beautiful. No, don’t fill it so packed with shit you can barely even see the paint…we have all been there, no judgement here.

Here are some ideas for that very thing. Don’t let the accent wall win!!!!

Top 3 ways I have found to decide “What the crap do I do with this wall?”

  1. Pick a collection. Picture frames, vintage maps, bright green books…whatever the collection is, we all have one…or 11.2. ADHESIVE WALLPAPER IS MY ANTI DRUG! I love this stuff ya’ll. It goes up easy, comes down easy and STAYS sticky! Perfect for renters or people who have trouble settling on a decorating style or like to change things up often! This particular example is of my own apartment. I had a wall I just didn’t know “What the crap to do with”…It took a couple months for me to decide what I really wanted to do. I’m not a huge fan of color. I love grey and white, so using blue was a little scary. It’s mild and meek and I get to add some great dimension with the half wall wall-papered and the other half not. I added the mirror to create the illusion of a larger hallway.      adhesive wallpaper

     

    3. Painting a pattern. If you have some patience and a sturdy stencil, this can a be a really easy and fun way to update a boring blah blah wall.

     

have fun with it.

It’s just paint.

 

Read soon.

-E.

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TwoThousandFifteen

Taking a look back at the past 365 days a lot comes to mind. Derrick spent three months in California working with the head honchos at Apple, I was able to almost completely redecorate our home on a pennypinchers budget, and we celebrated our one year wedding anniversary. Effie’s Garage hit the ground running and I’m planning a a craft show with Chelsie for September 2016. Too many things to list actually, it was a wonderfully surprising year.
We laughed, we cried, we traveled. We drank, we danced and we ate too much. We lived. We loved. We learned. Thanks Alanis.
We spent more time together this past year than we ever have in years past. For the first time I have a career. Not only is it my dream job, it only allows me to work 40 hours a week. It’s like a vacation every week! I get to see my hubby and my cats, our families and friends. I’ve had time to do projects and crafting and lunch dates with my girlfriends!
For the first time in years, I feel at home. I feel safe. Not complacent, just safe. We have lofty goals, Derrick and I. Constantly working towards the future we both want and deserve.
We have had some amazing things happen this year.
With the good, there must also be bad. Apparently. There was still pain, and sadness. Loss and loneliness.

This is the year we lost a hero, a Goddess among men. This is the year we said goodbye to momma. This is year we had her first birthday without her, Thanksgiving and Christmas without her.
Sometimes I wake up and think I’m back in my real universe, as if the last year I’d been traveling between the two. Perhaps that’s my mind’s way of working through. When it knows I’ve had enough “real” it sends me to never never land. I’ve developed some anxiety issues and a few other neuroses that sometimes get in the way of me being able to function like a regular human. I don’t remember the last dream I had and I see things that aren’t there sometimes. I’ve lost a lot of weight in a not so healthy way and I’m trying to get better about my obsession with weighing myself. I’m down to three times a week vs three times a day. Panic attacks are still pretty regular, accompanied by rashes, hallucinations, numbness, shaking and crippling nausea. Some days I can’t stop crying or yelling at Derrick and the cats. Some days I can’t do anything. Some days I just stay in bed and stare at the ceiling. For hours. Other days I forget that some days I do all that stuff I just said. Other days, I’m “normal”.
It feels good to say it out loud. Like I’m showing their ugly faces to the world and they aren’t allowed to squat inside me anymore. At the same time, now I feel weak and vulnerable.
I’m not free of these assholes yet, but I’m getting better. You feel alone, pathetic even, like a true crazy. But that’s what “it” wants. That’s how “it” survives. I’m ready to kill “it”.
Despite the aforementioned things, I’ve still laughed and smiled. I’m happy. Truly happy. There are things I would change in an instant if I was given the opportunity, but I’m still happy.
2016. Siiiiighhhh. It’s here. A new year. A new start. Yes.
Fingers crossed for good luck.
I’m watching Criminal Minds with my husband. It’s perfect. We’ve got jammies on and Davannis on the way. So with that I’ll say this…Happy New Years Eve to all, and to all a good night.
Read soon.

-E.

Merry Christmas Momma

Not to quote the Grinch, but it’s here. Christmas, is here. No amount of begging or pleading was going to stop from coming. 
I have been dreading the day since mom died. Seems like a silly thing to have on your mind all the time, except when I think about what Christmas meant to her. When I think about her adorable kitty cat hat and footy pajamas she wore a couple of years ago, today. 
When I think about last year, she was dancing around like a maniac, most likely against her better judgement, but she was doing it. But mostly because for the last forever many years, Christmas morning has been mom time. That is all I’ve known. I’m lost this morning. Completely and utterly lost.
I don’t hear the can of cinnamon rolls bust open followed by a giggle, I can’t hear her pour her coffee and then burn her lip and use a completely unnecessary or nonsensical cuss word.
I’m not with my momma today. And I am so sad. 
This morning, I will not hear the can of cinnamon rolls pop, I will not hear her laugh and I won’t hear her completely unnecessary and nonsensical cuss word. 
GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN!!!! When we all wake up and head straight for the cinnamon rolls.
She made Christmas. She cooked it, she cleaned it, she planned it, she wrapped it, she decorated it and she loved it. All of it.
There will be many things ahead that will the “first since……” But I don’t think that will matter. I don’t think the second or third or 79th will be any easier or better. This will always be hard without her. 
Someday, this day will be a happy day again. However, as for right now, it’s a horribly sad day. Time to put on my face and head out in the cold, to see everyone, but my momma. Memories of this day in past years still make me smile. They always will. 

Momma you are so damn beautiful. Always strong and never fussy. Always so kind and generous. Always stubborn. 
I’ll keep you with me all day. Hanging around my neck. I love your beautiful cross and I wear it proudly. I miss you momma. So much. I am trying not to be sad, I’m trying to be strong. And I’ll try all day. I make no promises. 
  

Merry Christmas Antigone.

-E

“It’s never too late”

“It’s never too late” they say, “I’ll call tomorrow” they say. It’s always, sometimes, maybe, never too late. 

Well, news flash; it can be too late.

Take that job you’ve been thinking about, take the leap! Tell the stranger that caught your eye that they are breathtaking. Yell at your neighbor for their loud music at 3am. Give thanks to the driver who waited for you to merge. 

Love and get heartbroken as many times as you can. Take that art/pottery/jazz tap class you’ve been staring at. Quit the damn gym, you’re not gonna go! #maybetomorrow 

Take a second and think about how many opportunities you had to smile at someone today…did you take them?

Did you say hello to a child who was looking at you?

Did you hold the door for the person behind you?

It’s never too late is bullshit.

It’s too late.

You’ll never see them again.

You’ll never be able to tell them their laugh is reason you get out of bed.

You’ll never get to thank that person for leaving a dime in the penny jar.

You’ll NEVER get those moments back.

Compliment, criticize, yell, laugh, scream, cry, cackle, snort, hug, kiss, buy that dvd that’s on sale, go to the damn movies and sit next to a stranger! 

Just fucking live. It’s possible for it to be too late. Stop taking for granted, what so many lose without a chance to DO.

 Live like Toni.

Love like Toni.

Laugh like Toni.

 
For you. Momma.

Merry Christmas.

I love you and I miss you so much. 

-E

Jingle bells, batman smells…

Robin layed an egg.

Thanksgiving is in a week. A week. Then it’s Christmas. Christmas.

Holy crow. It’s already around the corner.

I kind of hoped I would end up in a ground hog day situation for a bit. I am not ready for holiday cheer and garland. Trees and lights and wreaths. Ornaments and wrapping gifts.

I’m not ready for Christmas music or laughing or being jolly.

Definitely not ready to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.

I’m just not ready.

Not yet. 

Can’t we go back…back to when we used to decorate together. Back when we would go pick out a real tree, and then you’d make me wait a BILLION years for it to settle so we can “fluff” it! Back when I would put every single ornament on one spot and you would tell me it looks perfect. 

I’d love to say I’m looking forward to this holiday, I’d love to say I’m going to blast Fred Astaire classic Christmas and some Bing Crosby, and decorate. 

I just don’t know that I can.

But what i can do is take each day 60 seconds at a time. And for the next 60 seconds I’m going to think of 10 positive things.

1. I love my husband.

2. I love my cats.

3. I love my home.

4. I have amazing family.

5. I have some amazing friends.

6. I’ve got a killer job. My dream job.

7.im ready to grow up.

8.im ready to be a mommy.

9. I’m ready to try to be ready.

10. I’m ready to be patient with me. 

Ya hear that me?? Patience.

One day, one minute, at a time.

Read soon.

-E

“That’s the girl who’s mom died”

Every time you hit a new phase of grief it’s like getting thrown off a cliff. It’s unexpected, makes your tummy jump and feelings of falling and spinning out of control are most likely involved. 

Then you hit the ground. Sometimes it hurts, bad, like you’re actually broken. Other times, someone must have put a nice cushy cloud beneath you and you truly feel ok and can get your ass up and take a step forward.

I hit the ground last week. Hard. Really fucking hard. No cushy cloud for me this time. Dammit. 

Just spinning. Just falling. Just lost.

Every time I take a couple steps forward and feel a little better, I hear a song or smell her perfume, or see a tree or a rock I think she’d like… I take 10 steps back. It’s fucking crazy. Crazy.

Along with this fall, I’m starting to notice how others react to my grief and their knowledge of my mom being gone.

When mom was alive, the thing that made my blood boil was when people would say hi and ask how she is, but with a tilted head and a certain “you have cancer and that’s really sad” tone. Rather than just asking how’s it going….it was hoowws it gooiiin (head tilt….sigh). 

Hey, guess what, she knows she has cancer. She knows she has no hair. She knows she looks like hell. Trust me. 

Just talk to her like she’s….now this is gonna sound fuckin nuts….a person. A regular, not sick, not terminal, human. 

She always took my hand and told me to chill out whenever I’d get upset at people, she reminded me they are doing the best they can, and they just care. 

Yes mother.

The tables have turned…now I’m getting the head tilt and the hoowws it gooiiin (head tilt….sigh). “That’s the girls who’s mom died, so sad” tone and sad eyes and it typically comes with a hand holding of some sort. 

Guess what, I know she’s dead. I know she’s never coming back. I know she is free now. 

Some days, I’m ok though. Some days I talk to her, some days I scream. Not at her, just scream.

Some days I can’t even remember how to do normal things, like eat, sleep or breathe. 

I probably don’t want to talk about it. 

Just pretend, for a moment, that she isn’t gone. That she is still here laughing and smiling. Imagine she didn’t get sick. Imagine she always felt good, no pain. 

Boom. Back to reality. 

Fuck you reality. 

No cloud. Just cliff. 

Someday, this too, will pass.
I love you momma.

Read soon.

-E

I got a feeling…..

I went into this weekend with ONE goal in mind. Purge kitchen crap you don’t need and get the rest organized!

That’s what I did! 

Stopped at Big Lots and picked up some incredibly inexpensive bins, a couple small tension rods and a couple of buckets.

Here is the result;

   
There is more that has changed, but for now this is what is finished and not covered in dust or dishes!  

It was is fun to get things organized. We have lived here 5 years and FINALLY, under the sink is clean and tidy!

I went on a rampage and got rid of stuff, polished up some old stuff and added a couple of adorable details.

   
 Not the GREATEST photos, but you get the point! 

I also scooped up a killer chair for $15. I may or not change it….haven’t decided yet. It’s absolutely beautiful! 

 BONUS: Derrick came home with a gift yesterday…..he really knows me well!  

 
I think i am going to stencil something on it…….I’d like to hang it in the bathroom….any ideas?

Here is a picture of where I’d hang it; it would replace the black picture frame.

  

That’s all for today! Lots of new exciting things happening at the Schimke household! 

And no, we are not pregnant

Yet.
Read soon.

-E