The Newest Adventure Begins

Now that Christmas is over (so sad…) I am going to have a blank slate again. We moved into our new apartment in the middle of October 2016, unpacked and got all the basics down. Furniture placement (for now…), kitchen gadgets all have homes and the craft room is contained in ONE ROOM! Woah. All my clothes are organized in the closet, by style, then color, then sleeve length. My bookshelf is delightfully adorned with brick-a-brak and filled with big books showcasing my favorite designers and photographers with a few vintage finds peppered in.

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Not long after that was Halloween, so we decorated for that. Not much, just a few things here and there as we didn’t have time to plan a soirée before the day came. That came down QUICK so I could get all the amazing fall decorations out! Twig wreaths and adorable white ceramic owls and squirrels, mixed in with all the vintage books and gold accents. I found a couple of amazing dried leaf/pinecone garlands at JoAnn’s for next to nothing! Those went up as well! I remember being extra cheery about those because they could be used for Christmas too! Yay for multi-seasonal decor!

The rule has always been that I cannot decorate for Christmas until Thanksgiving is over. This year was a little tougher and my wonderful hubby said he would be ok with Christmas going up a little early if it would help me feel better. It did. He is wonderful. It’s not easy being a decorator’s husband and he is just so amazing! Supporting every whim and my weekly “I want to be a ____ when I grow up” moments. He helps me by letting me be me. How did I get so effin’ lucky!?

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We hosted Friendsmas this year…and this picture says it all! We had everyone bring a dish to share (Chelsie, Sara and I made a ton as well). They came over way earlier and we started drinking some bloodies..it was noon…I think…We hung out, ate the food we were making for the party, naturally. Lots of laughing and spilling our drama. Much needed, unintentional, girl’s day.

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So fast forward to now, it’s 10am on Saturday. I am sitting in my living room, watching Venture Brothers and trying to figure out what the hell I want to do with our new home! Since we moved in, as you can tell, its been seasonally decorated! NOW WHAT???!?!!??!!

I’ve spent so much time purging and cleansing things that don’t make us happy, we have very little for decor and “stuff”. Half of me is going “I WANT MOOOOORE” and the other is telling me to throw it all away and start over! Back to bones. Can’t do that, but sometimes it seems it would be easier that way.

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I’ve discovered Hygge as well.  A Danish way of life that focuses in on calm colors, cozy living spaces and minimal “stuff” getting in the way of you LIVING in your home. As a decorator I feel I am supposed to have something new and different all the time, I don’t need to do that. Right??

I absolutely love how little color we have in our home, but also hate how little color we have in our home. White walls, white and grey furniture, white dishes on display atop the kitchen cabinets and natural wood tones in a couple of beautiful pieces of furniture we’ve acquired over the years.

The biggest obstacle I put on myself is that I can never just “go shopping” for what I want. Mostly because I don’t know what I want until I see it! I tend to “shop” 10-12 times a week at my usual grinds, but rarely do I leave with anything. I’m not a “I want a candle holder and a hammered steel tray” so I just go get it, kind of person. It has to find me. Like little gifts I want to give to our home. I know it sounds silly, but it should’t be in your home unless it makes you happy! And as we all know, if we push it…it won’t work. I know, I know…”Mik, that’s what storage units are for” NO! They are not. They are for seasonal decor and if you’re like me, they are for mountains of projects you plan to get to at some point. But not for things that you didn’t fall in love with at first sight!

As far as how I will decorate the new place, we will just have to see! I have an amazing canvas to work with and I have to remember not to rush it! JUST CALM DOWN! It will all fall into place. I have a lot of ideas scrolling through my brain, I just need to start trying things!

Simply styled bookshelves and art galore!

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I’m thinking gallery walls filled with black and white photos and hanging sculptures of all sizes! I also want some floating shelves for different configurations of books and framed photos. I want to allow for constant change as I feel the need to change things! Happens a lot. I can’t remember a time when our home has looked the same for longer than 4 or 5 months.

As you “curate” your home, your taste and style changes. Not necessarily colors, but you may see some new idea for that gallery wall, or fall in love with a bright orange coffee table you see on the side of the road…yes…this is now my coffee table and how it was acquired. You never know when inspiration will strike, you just need to make sure you are always open to it. Let it in and let it take over!

Use common sources like Instagram, use Pinterest, LOOK AT A DAMN MAGAZINE! Domino, Elle Decor and BHG special publications like DIY and I DID IT are great resources for new (and easy) ideas that make BIG impact! Also, every day things you pass by can inspire you, for example, tree leaves and bright green plants have started inspiring me to be more natural in my home. Wood tones, greenery, faux and real! Real stuff is hard because of the cats, but we can put it up on one of the floating shelves instead! PERFECT!

Most importantly, when you walk into your home, you should fell instantly relaxed. Instantly calm. Let the day melt away and let your home hold onto those stressors for you. Take a moment to breathe when you walk in. Take off your shoes, put them away. Spend a little bit cleaning something up or tidying your desk. Then take off your bra and your pants and get in some pajamas and put on Lord of the Rings. Oh, wait…that’s what I’m doing right now. It’s now 7:30pm on Saturday. I have sleepy cats and a comfy blanket. I am about to be done with this update and I will then be snuggling the crap out of my wonderful hubby.

Anywho.

I hope that I figure this out soon, because I’m on STAYcation at the end of the month and I’m ATTACKING this project! Wish me luck! Until next blog…

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Read soon.

-E

Post Script.

I cannot thank Sara enough for the beautiful camera she got me for Christmas (LOOK AT THOSE PHOTOS :D ). I am so excited for that part of this new adventure!

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what now…

 

thinking about a world without loss, anxiety and self hatred keeps me awake at night.thinking in general keeps me awake at night. the hardest part about this is that to the outside world, i’m good! I am happy, i smile, laugh and go out with friends. I go to movies with my husband and greet guests at work with a genuine hand. When someone asks me ” how are you “, I answer “good” or “alright” and to them, i mean it. to myself, its a lie.

I am screaming inside. every day. most of the time, at myself.

you’re a failure. you can’t deal with this. what a loser. you’re overweight and disgusting. your husband is cheating on you. or he should be if he’s not. maybe he should just leave. or you should. spare him the disaster. spare him the pain.

you should be ashamed. of you. you don’t have a mom to help you anymore. no one can help you. you’re failing. you are a failure. why can’t you just stop eating? you pig. you are filthy.

why won’t you eat more? you went all day without any food or water, you think that’s healthy? weigh yourself again. watch the scale drop. it went up. loser. don’t even get me started on your debt. student loans. your sad bank account. you are an adult. get it together you loser.

no one respects you. no one loves you. you are an orphan now.

all day. every day. these things are constantly circling. like vultures.

I lash out at the people i love. to me, it would be easier if they were mad at me than to have to be hurt by me. just leave me alone. that is what i deserve.

to be alone. in my own self pity. fucking pathetic.

i can’t even begin to grasp the concept of self control. and that pisses me off even more.

i have always been strong. confident. selfless.

i feel so selfish, which pisses me off more as well. all i can think about is what i have lost, or let go, or failed at. its unbelievable. i miss loving. myself. my husband. my family. my friends. i miss love.

i.

i.

i.

i.

JUST STOP IT! JUST FUCKING STOP IT! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!

crazy.

i’m tired of crying for, seemingly, no reason. i’m tired of waking up in pain. i’m tired of being tired. i can’t even enjoy a day off because i end up alone and alone with my own thoughts. it drives me fucking nuts. I feel crazy. genuinely crazy. i’m tired of looking at other women with slender frames and beautiful smiles that go on for days and wishing i could look that way. i’m tired of feeling ugly on the inside. i’m tired of being ugly on the inside. because now i’m ugly on the outside.

i’m tired of getting mad at the cats for being cats. i’m tired of having to apologize to the people and things i love because i fucked up again. let someone down. again.

again.

and again.

i don’t know that i am ready to make changes, but i am ready to try.

the first step is done. i did it. i contacted a psychologist. i feel weak and even more broken.

admitting to myself that i needed to do this was a mental battle like i have never had before. i am exhausted.

i’m not happy about this decision. in the least. but i have bigger priorities that weigh on me. my marriage, my family, my career, and my future children.

this is more than anxiety. its constant fucking panic. panic. panic. panic. panic. panic. panic. panic. panic. panic. panic. over and over and over and over again. and again……

i am ready to challenge myself to change. i have no clue how to do this. and i don’t deal well with asking for help. in any facet of my life.

i had hoped this would dissipate by now. i had hoped i would start healing after mom died. but the truth is, that was the last crack in the framework that I could handle. I was broken long before that. barely holding on. because i had her to calm me. to comfort me. to reassure me that i was doing well. to help me. to love me.

i think about what i used to be. the size i used to be. the woman i used to be. i can still feel her in there. but she is covered in shit. a pathetic excuse for a person. she is broken. i’m obsessive and sad. but not every day.

not even on most days. most days i truly am “fine”. but my brain is on repeat and i don’t like this track anymore.

i hope i can do this.

wish me luck.

-e.