what now…

 

thinking about a world without loss, anxiety and self hatred keeps me awake at night.thinking in general keeps me awake at night. the hardest part about this is that to the outside world, i’m good! I am happy, i smile, laugh and go out with friends. I go to movies with my husband and greet guests at work with a genuine hand. When someone asks me ” how are you “, I answer “good” or “alright” and to them, i mean it. to myself, its a lie.

I am screaming inside. every day. most of the time, at myself.

you’re a failure. you can’t deal with this. what a loser. you’re overweight and disgusting. your husband is cheating on you. or he should be if he’s not. maybe he should just leave. or you should. spare him the disaster. spare him the pain.

you should be ashamed. of you. you don’t have a mom to help you anymore. no one can help you. you’re failing. you are a failure. why can’t you just stop eating? you pig. you are filthy.

why won’t you eat more? you went all day without any food or water, you think that’s healthy? weigh yourself again. watch the scale drop. it went up. loser. don’t even get me started on your debt. student loans. your sad bank account. you are an adult. get it together you loser.

no one respects you. no one loves you. you are an orphan now.

all day. every day. these things are constantly circling. like vultures.

I lash out at the people i love. to me, it would be easier if they were mad at me than to have to be hurt by me. just leave me alone. that is what i deserve.

to be alone. in my own self pity. fucking pathetic.

i can’t even begin to grasp the concept of self control. and that pisses me off even more.

i have always been strong. confident. selfless.

i feel so selfish, which pisses me off more as well. all i can think about is what i have lost, or let go, or failed at. its unbelievable. i miss loving. myself. my husband. my family. my friends. i miss love.

i.

i.

i.

i.

JUST STOP IT! JUST FUCKING STOP IT! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!

crazy.

i’m tired of crying for, seemingly, no reason. i’m tired of waking up in pain. i’m tired of being tired. i can’t even enjoy a day off because i end up alone and alone with my own thoughts. it drives me fucking nuts. I feel crazy. genuinely crazy. i’m tired of looking at other women with slender frames and beautiful smiles that go on for days and wishing i could look that way. i’m tired of feeling ugly on the inside. i’m tired of being ugly on the inside. because now i’m ugly on the outside.

i’m tired of getting mad at the cats for being cats. i’m tired of having to apologize to the people and things i love because i fucked up again. let someone down. again.

again.

and again.

i don’t know that i am ready to make changes, but i am ready to try.

the first step is done. i did it. i contacted a psychologist. i feel weak and even more broken.

admitting to myself that i needed to do this was a mental battle like i have never had before. i am exhausted.

i’m not happy about this decision. in the least. but i have bigger priorities that weigh on me. my marriage, my family, my career, and my future children.

this is more than anxiety. its constant fucking panic. panic. panic. panic. panic. panic. panic. panic. panic. panic. panic. over and over and over and over again. and again……

i am ready to challenge myself to change. i have no clue how to do this. and i don’t deal well with asking for help. in any facet of my life.

i had hoped this would dissipate by now. i had hoped i would start healing after mom died. but the truth is, that was the last crack in the framework that I could handle. I was broken long before that. barely holding on. because i had her to calm me. to comfort me. to reassure me that i was doing well. to help me. to love me.

i think about what i used to be. the size i used to be. the woman i used to be. i can still feel her in there. but she is covered in shit. a pathetic excuse for a person. she is broken. i’m obsessive and sad. but not every day.

not even on most days. most days i truly am “fine”. but my brain is on repeat and i don’t like this track anymore.

i hope i can do this.

wish me luck.

-e.

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2 thoughts on “what now…

  1. Seek and you will find….don`t stop until you find what clicks and you will if you search with your whole heart…..a psychologist is a good first step…..try to find a surrogate mother or grandmother….women helping women…..I would if I was up there….I love you and am proud of you for letting your feelings out. Let them out girl…feelings are not right or wrong, they are just feelings.

    1. Annie, I have no desire for a surrogate mother. I just want my mom. No one will ever compare. Ever. I seek health. Mental and physical. This is a hard, but necessary, step. Thank you for your kind words and support ☺️

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